Four Years Ago

Happy New Year! On this day four years ago Dwayne and I were on a silent retreat led by Robert Beatty at Breightenbush Hot Springs. It was at that retreat that I listened to myself, really listened, for the first time in many years. I had been so busy trying to shore up the gaps for everyone else, that I had forgotten about me. When I met one-on-one with Robert, as each participant was able to do, I tried to explain my jumble of emotions to him. A look of recognition flashed into his eyes and he flipped through his I-pad until he found The Journey by Mary Oliver. When he read it out-loud, it was as if Oliver were speaking directly to me. I’ve never felt such an intimacy with a poem before. Over the next few years, Oliver’s poem quietly nourished me until finally I told Dwayne. He listened. Thankfully. And here we are striding deeper and deeper into the world, determined. Thank you Robert and Mary Oliver. And, of course, Dwayne, my beloved partner in crime.

The Journey - by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice --

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voice behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do --

determined to save

the only life that you could save.